Truth
by Cameo45
Summary: Truth? He doesn't remember that first slushy. He wishes he did. Wishes he could say why it had happened. Before she was gone a week, and nobody noticed.
1. Puck

Truth? He doesn't remember that first slushy. He wishes he did. Wishes he could say why it had happened. Had she angered him? Had he been dared? Was his reputation as a badass threatened? He's wondered all those things and he doesn't know. He can't remember that first one (_there were many, so many_). So he doesn't know the impetus and as such he doesn't know why he kept throwing them.

He's been thinking about it for a long time. Really, ever since he noticed that she liked grape. When he meets her (when he joins Glee and gets to see _the girl_ instead of the label), he can't help but be intrigued. She, _crazily,_ believes in him. His best. . .ex-best friend doesn't have a problem believing the worst about him. But she wants to hear his side, she gets that two people were involved, that he didn't just rape Quinn and make Beth all on his own. Maybe it's because she dislikes Quinn so much, that she's willing to believe it was a mutual discretion . . . or maybe it's why she calls him Noah.

Whereas the people who've known him for years, they never realized that the boy who throws people in dumpsters appeared only after his father left, that's when he insisted that everyone call him,_ Puck_ (His father's father was Noah, and he'd been a good man). Nobody questions why someone so nice and naïve and . . . _innocent _would be friends with someone like him (no one now would call him naïve and never innocent, that ship sailed long ago. . .he thinks her name started with an A or an R or. . .okay, he doesn't really know).

He wonders though, because did he do this? Did he place her on the bottom of the totem pole for the high school elite (and even the likes of Kurt and Mercedes)? He's done a lot of things (and people) that he regrets, but this might be top of his list. Because she's a nice person, forgiving. She gave numerous chances to Finn, and believed the best of Jesse. The thing that ties them all together though is that they hurt her and left (Shelby belongs on the same list, maybe he does too).

She was gone a week, and nobody noticed(_He had_). Nobody tried to contact her. Then. . .her father's came home when she didn't answer their call to inform her they would be gone for another month (added to the four they'd already been gone. He thought she had a _great _home life, with parents who _cared _and _loved_ her).They found her on her bed, she'd been dead since Wednesday.(They'd-_he'd_- had two days to save her.) She taken pills a lot of them and a great variety of them, her letter said she didn't want to leave a mess for them to clean up. This way it was clean and quick and easily forgotten. _Who could ever forget?_ Forget about the girl with the dark eyes, that were haunted (if they'd ever cared to look close enough), despite the smiles she tried so hard to maintain. They'd also never seen the scars from where she cut herself every time she was reminded she wasn't good enough (she was _so much better_ than them all). Her dreams, her talent, her voice (that could always be heard) was silenced all because of them. Because of him. He _had_ done this.


	2. Santana

She didn't think she'd feel guilty. After all this time, and everything that had happened who would care about one slushy. But she remembers and it hurts that part of her that most would say is gone. (She hears the whispered, _Does she even have a heart? _as the other students cower).

She was newly minted on the Cheerios and was looking for a way to rise, a way for Coach to see her. (_Now she'd like to be invisible_.) So instead of working for it, she decided to take the easy route, which deeply involved Puck. Now, Puck was the hottest freshman boy, but so far seemed to have eyes for only one girl. And that girl hadn't been her.

No he only saw a petite brunette that blushed whenever his eyes fell on her. She only meant to distract him-make him see her, so Coach would see her as an asset. Then she heard the girl sing, with that voice she knew she'd have to cut their ties totally to have any chance. So at the next party, she got him drunk and gave him to their then head cheerleader, Kristen (_she hadn't none what to do with a drunk boy herself, yet_). Then she sashayed past him as often as she could. And even then he barely glanced at her. Finally, the time came to ask for his loyalty. Slushy the girl or no more _cookies_ for his remaining time in high school. He believed she held that power then and was a hormonal boy, but she wonders if she really could have kept anyone away with that charm of his (Or if he would cared if she had, because he could have gotten the one girl he wanted and she might, probably would, have been enough).

Truth was she'd always meant to . . .to apologize, to explain, _to say something_. Something where she called the girl Rachel (not Manhands, or Rupaul or any of their other oh so clever insults). Something that wasn't a jibe, a well thought out weapon meant to play on her weaknesses. But she didn't and somehow thought the girl would understand. The worst thing? She knows, without a doubt, they could have been friends, good friends (_Best friends_).

(She also knows the boy could have been a good or even great man. She ruined _at least_ two people when she convinced him he was a Lima loser, and not good enough for the girl. All while telling the girl she wasn't good enough for any one. Her conscience can't quite take what this means for Quinn and _Beth_.)So yeah, the guilt thing? She's not hiding, she knows where the blame lies.

AN:Hey guys, I've been reading and reviewing anonymously for awhile now and then had this idea, and I swear when it started Puck regretted the slushies because he loved Rachel and it made him feel not good enough even though they were together. Obviously not quite what happened in the writing.

If you like it there are a few more perspectives.


	3. Kurt

Her reasoning in her note had been that she was tired of having no one. Tired of being hated. Tired of being not good enough for anyone to stay. And he _knew_ he was one of the one's who had left and broke her just that little bit more.

He sees her every time he looks at Mercedes, now. They'd been friends, best friends even, before he replaced her. She knew his secrets, so many that she could have brought out every time he used his knowledge of her to say something cutting. But she wouldn't. Maybe that's why he thought she'd be okay.

Her Daddy liked plaid. Her Dad liked animals. Her clothes made her feel close to them when they'd left her once again (like by dressing in the things they liked, they might just stay or at least come back sooner). He knows this, used to help her shop, but he still picked at what he could. (He didn't really consciously think of how every comment reminded her about her father's absence, but he does _now_).

He meant to check on her after Shelby (and Jesse). Say something about how he knew what it was like to lose a mother (that he was sorry it hadn't worked out _again_, one day she would find the right person to love her forever, he promised). But Mercedes had needed him with the whole Puck issue and then there was to Quinn take care of –being heavily pregnant, having Beth, giving Beth away (to _Shelby_). He just hadn't stopped by yet (she was last on the list, yet again).

He noticed when she was gone. But it was just a diva fit¸ she wouldn't actually harm herself (but she did and had been. He wonders _how many_ of her cuts does he own?).

So really all he has left is wondering how well he knew the girl he once called his best friend (she never missed class, didn't want it affecting her transcript, her record had to be untarnished—never tardy, never absent, never _seen—_not really anyway.) He wants to miss talking to her but can't remember the last time he spoke to her without it being an insult (she'd always made him feel like who he was, was okay and enough –so what was _so wrong_ with who she was?)

Why didn't he notice (she wasn't that good of an actress _yet _was she)? She spoke so loud and so much, that somehow he forgot to look at her. Her voice shielded her, and he forgot to try and see her. Was he even looking?

Thanks to everyone who commented.

Bella1992-yes it was meant to be Santana. I'm glad you see it as bittersweet; it's kind of supposed to be a what could have been vs. the reality they all helped choose.


	4. Finn

It hadn't really hit him hard, which he knows is terrible. _He knows_. But it wasn't until he understood his own role in her story that he could feel bad. Surprisingly the awareness of guilt came from Shaun. All it took were the words, "Hey man, Rachel hasn't been around in a few weeks, everything okay? Broadway hasn't come and stole her away early have they?" Then he was sitting there crying, sobbing really.

Because what he'd done was suddenly shown to him. He had brought her here, _here_, when she'd lost her voice. Acted like her not having a voice was trivial, instead of life-threatening, _dream_ threatening. He knew what all she went through and he ignored it, he patronized her. Bringing her here, then, was an insult. He attempted to show her life wasn't that bad, when he really just emphasized how bad it was. He told her clearly that she had no one who understood her, no one who heard her.

He'd been the one who kept choosing Quinn. The things he'd said, make him cringe now. How he bribed her with false hope to get her back to Glee (really for her it was just cruelty in a confined space, unable to escape the people who treated her the worst, and acting like it never hurt). He should have been (_but he wasn't, not ever_) someone who could be a safe place that she could have been honest with, that facades were thrown down for the sake of knowing one another fully.

But who he was. . .he was the one who had taunted her while having a girlfriend and then did nothing, while she tried to date him. He forgot just about all their dates (because _someone_ might have seen them together). And broke up with her because Santana and Brittany wanted him (Santana had always thought he was an idiot, and talked to him as such. She'd _always_ intimidated him. And Brittany was just a girl. A girl who kissed _everyone_). They were jerks to him, but he followed Shue's advice (maybe he should have recognized the divorcee wasn't the best one to emulate). Then he tried to undermine Jesse, the jerk. (_But he wasn't any better_, his conscience screamed).

Shaun had helped him find all that guilt that he hadn't felt. He _was_ responsible. . .in the last year, maybe he was the _most_ responsible. (_Why did you bring me here, Finn?_ rings loudly in his ears.)


	5. Mike

He hadn't said anything. And maybe that was the point, he hadn't said _anything_. Not even, "Hey Rach, everything okay?"

They'd know one another for years. Lima only has one dance studio after all. They might have even been considered friends at one point. He'd been in many of the same classes and even partnered with her as a child, before it stopped being cool for him to be in dance classes. He'd returned to them since being in Glee, realizing he should be free to embrace what he loves. Really it was Rachel who empowered him to do so. And don't tell, because he's pretty sure Puck would hurt him, _even now_, but getting to see her or touch her in those tight leotards was never a bad thing. (or "_Hey Rach, why does it seem like you've lost 10 lbs in the last month?_")

There were signs. He sees that now. Now that each and every one of them are re-examining the time they knew her. She'd stopped fighting, stopped being so vocal in Glee. Going so far as declining a solo for sectionals-was it because she knew she wouldn't be around that long? He remembers the last thing she fought for—long sleeves at their last invitational. Even that, now, was a sign. (or "Hey _Rach, why are your sleeves always long now?"_)

He doesn't remember saying one word to her since they were children. Not one. He never slushied her, but he never stopped them or at least refrained from laughing. He never called her names, but nor did he intervene or claim her as a friend. Not even after she called him down to dance. He didn't draw the R-rated pictures but, he never supported or defended her. He saw what a jerk Finn was being and didn't even confront him. His legacy is of doing nothing. (or "_Hey Rach, no matter what anyone says, I think you're beautiful. And your voice always soothes my spirit._" Yeah, he'd definitely never told her that. But he did and it did and he never spoke.)

He finds that makes him just as guilty.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed.

To Elliejenks: I'm glad you think I've been able to capture people's different voices. Because of your comment I wrote Quinn (I think for me what differentiates her from Santana is that I don't believe she really wants Puck). But thank you.

FREAKTONIGHT-thank you so much for commenting on each chapter, you've brought out what I was going for as far as they've each played a role more by neglect than intent. Sorry I haven't gotten a hold of Mr. Shue's voice quite yet. I'll see if I can 'hear' him.

Bladed Darkness -thanks for the comment, and I agree. I think thats very true. Perhaps it would be better to not do things we'll regret, than regretting them after the fact. Prevention rather than hindsight.


	6. Brittany

Rachel,

I made San cry today. We'd come to glee as usual. But we haven't sung in the last few weeks. Mostly we just sit in the room, people will start to say something then stop as Puck's glare rests on them. He's been acting funny, and not even Shue seems willing to cross him. Knowing sectionals were coming up, I asked, "Are we waiting for Rachel to come back? Cause I think she'll be mad if we haven't gotten better at all while she's been gone." Puck stalked out of the room. And Santana cried. I'm not sure she's the only one. I just didn't want you to yell when you came back.

San said you weren't coming back. I still don't understand why, exactly. San said it was like that video we helped you make, only the real angels were keeping you. I know you sing pretty, but why'd they have to steal you? I didn't want to upset San again, but I was curi. . .I wanted to know.

She said we were mean to you. But the angels should be nice. Even if they're nice, I want you to come back. So I'm sorry and I'm pretty sure San and everyone else is sorry too. I just thought maybe if I wrote you and told you, you'd come back from the angels for us. We'll try not to make you sad anymore.

Your new friend,

Brittany (you can call me B if you want)

P.S. You can even have all the solos. And Puck. Maybe Finn, San and I can work on him. And I'll share Becky too, she's really smart.  
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`

Sorry for the late addition. Somehow starting school/work at 4:30 and getting off at 3-5 left me tired. Anyway thank you so much for the review of last chapter. Mike was absolutely who I was going for with it.

BladedDarkness-yes, somehow I thought maybe they had interaction elsewhere. And I wanted him to have seen and known, and just not spoken. Like maybe after not speaking up in her defense, he thought it would be inconsequential to speak up.

Thanks LisbonLoafers

LiveLaughLurve3-thanks for the comment. I don't think there will be an AU of my AU. For my viewpoint, Rachel being saved would have allowed them to stay blind to their own cruelty. I think her surviving would allow them to play it off as Rachel being dramatic and thus save themselves from true introspection. But never say never.

Babycakes91-I'll have to think about it. I'm not sure I know exactly what she's said. But I'll see if I can write her letter.

FreakTonight-Thanks, I'm glad you thought it was ic (esp. in my very AU tale). I too liked Mike recounting all the things he could have said.


	7. Mr Shue

She's the most talented student he's ever had. Probably the most talented he _will_ ever have. Definitely the most driven. Somehow, her drive made her seem older and stronger. He always thought her drive protected her. That it was enough to keep her company, to keep her focused on someday. But in only seeing her drive, he forgot something important. Very important. _She was only sixteen (and trying to find herself)_.

Finn needed him, obviously. His desperate desire for a father figure was completely obvious and made him easy to manipulate. Quinn needed someone—someone who would protect her, when others just saw her actions (that's why he chose to forgive the Glist, he tells himself). But Rachel. . .Rachel seemed so self-sufficient, so independent. (_So alone_).When she started giving away solos, he thought it was growth—growth in a girl that was already forced to be mature well beyond her years.

Truth is Rachel reminded him of Terri, the way she wanted things so desperately and would take any means necessary to get them. And while in a sixteen year old girl that's still acceptable, in a thirty year old woman it had almost destroyed him. So he tried to teach the girl humility and chastised her, when he should have encouraged her. He remembered Terri and spoke a little more harshly or didn't rebuke the others when they were unfair.

He took this job to be an advocate. . .like he had been for Tina¸ and Artie and Finn and. . .everyone _except Rachel_. He knows he let his personal life get in the way of helping this particular student, just like Terri would accuse him of placing Glee over their family. Because he can't remember ever telling her she had done well or that she had sung something beautifully or that her connection with the music was what made her shine far more than her years of technique. He gave her solos like it was a distasteful duty, like if he had any other choice he would have chosen someone else, like he regretted having to appease her again. (_When he forgot who she was and just heard the strength and emotion in her, she gave him hope of better things to come, hope of a better and brighter world_).

So he failed. He failed to see the scared and terrorized girl behind the confident and capable performer. (She did his job _better_ than he did. And it threatened him, not that he would admit it, _before._) He watched her smile despite the jabs and thought that made her strong.

He can't help but wonder if he's worse than Sue. At least, Sue is impartial. She is cruel to all her Cheerios without the discretion of who annoys her the most. Also he can't but wonder if Sue would have seen, because she makes it her business to know other's weakness. (Mostly so she can use it against them, but still she _sees_).

He tries to silence the voice that screams, _"Will, Starshine's looking a little worse for wear lately. Not sure the judges will dig pale and withdrawn when it's not on Vamp girl. Any thinner and she won't even count towards your loser dozen—say goodbye to your little club, Shuester." _It sounds a lot like he failed, again. (Were Terri's actions partly his fault too? Should he just leave Emma alone now, before it's too late? And who is he, that he makes_ her_ death about him?) There are so many regrets and so many apologies he needs to speak, but he has no one to speak them to.

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So I'm not sure about this one. I attempted it because it was requested, but I couldn't really hear Mr. Shue's voice clearly so we'll see what you think.

I'm glad you all liked Brittany. For me writing this, she was definately the most tragic because she didn't really get it. Her innocence made her break my heart (in a I wanted to bring Rachel back to life for Brittany kind of way).

Bella1992-I'm glad the innocence shone through. That's exactly what I was going for, a kind of childish misunderstanding.

Happycat13-She made me cry as well. My Noah doesn't hurt himself, but I suppose yours might. I don't really do neat little package endings, so what happens to him exactly will be left to your imagination. His voice and story that I'm telling was the first chapter.

lalalamarieme-Thank you so much for your comment. I'm glad you think it's insightful. It's odd, I began to write Brittany like everyone else and then suddenly knew that she would write a letter. For me it better depicted her simplicity. But I'm glad you got that she missed Rachel and was trying to make contact.

ritagarcia45-I agree. She tries so hard to understand.

anababe-I understand what you mean, it is very frustrating when stories are unfinished. I happen to be a medical student right now, so I kind of understand the idea of real life interfering, but I hate when stories just stop as well. I'm glad you thought it was unique, I was attempting to take a different perspective. And here's Mr. Shue for you and FREAKTONIGHT. Hope it meets your expectations.

anglhededhpster-Sorry and thank you. I think my goal in writing has always been to envoke emotion so that's a very kind comment.

Carola-x-Thank you


	8. Artie

"_And you're really annoying, no offense!"_ that's just one of the comments that haunts him now.

She'd stepped in front of several slushies for him. The chair made clean-up even worse. And he'd seen her literally step in front of a thrown slushy and not hide if she knew he was near. For some reason, he accepted it as normal. Let Rachel get slushied because she's prepared for it, has the extra clothes and the routine worked out. He never wondered if the syrup still burned her eyes, or if the ice ever caused her to bruise. He frankly never wondered about her at all, just knew her presence made his life easier. Someone else was lower than him and he was thankful. He never offered to help her clean up (no one did, no matter how many times she was by their side to help them).

He'd forgotten. But now all he can think about is when he was eight and how after the wreck, she was the only one who came to visit him in the hospital. (He'd learn many years later how terrified she'd always been of hospitals and still wouldn't think to thank her.) When he came back to school, she was the only one who chattered away to him as though nothing had changed. She would push his wheel chair after his untrained arms had gotten tired (being so careful not to run into anything) and chatter brightly. Everyone else shied away afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of being similarly afflicted (as if you can catch car accident). She was so vibrant and unwavering in her loyalty.

Now, he sees how each year they sucked a little bit more of her away, how her smile had gotten a little duller. How what was once so alive and just _vibrant_ had gotten a little more ragged and used and more like a broken record. Why didn't he hear the desperation?

("Julie's my babysitter. My fathers' say they'll be glad when they can just leave me on my own. Did you know they bring me a glass of water when I'm upset. Kids are cruel, they say, as though that makes anything better. But singing makes it better, singing makes me feel so free. Do you ever just sing for you? I think you should, I really like your voice when you sing in class," she told him years ago as he learned to live without the use of his legs. _Singing had helped_.)

So he wants to sing for her, even if he never really listened before, but she's the one who knew songs. All he has is "Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon her head and she was dead," expect replacing Maxwell with each of their names. Because he knows they all took a hit at her, his own turns keep ringing in his head.

Then he remembers, she was never really loved. She'd told them Jesse might be her only chance and no one knew that she meant her own hand might ensure that truth. He vows to love Tina better, all while thinking that they may all be condemned. For she was their star, their brightest and their kindest, and if they couldn't be good to her, how will they ever find it in themselves to be good to each other?

She always took the slushy for him, and the verbal lashing when the team need to unite and he, he just let her. Always somehow forgetting that just because she was willing, didn't make her deserving. And just because she chattered didn't make her happy. All that glitters isn't gold and all that shines isn't untarnishable. Did he ever, _just once_, say thank you? (_He doesn't remember_)

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Bladed Darkness-As far as my story she totally did, he just was so focused on the jibe that he was unable to hear the warning. I also think it'd be kind of awesome if on the show Sue tried to warn him about something and he was too dense to hear her. And Sue/Rachel story sound nice (because seems like Sue would see, but I can't decide if I believe she would intervene or not)

Anon-the-mouse-Thanks, I'm sure the writers have a bigger plan that is much more all encompassing than any I would have. But glad you felt like Shue was in character.

FREAKTONIGHT-I would say Brittany's curi, was more reinforcing her character. She couldn't spell curious, though she knew the word and it's meaning. I don't really see her as an idiot so much as un-taught (gets by on pretty blonde Cheerio). I agree that something about Brittany's innocence always seems to make her viewpoint a little more heartbreaking. Sorry Mr. Shue didn't quite meet your expectations. I think for me he's too self-absorbed to feel really guilty, so he's only regretful. But I don't think he's aware of how much of a role he played. Also I really couldn't hear his voice. All the other viewpoints I started with a line that everything for me built from (for Artie the first line, for Finn the last). But with his it was forced the whole way. Also I don't think Terri's crazy, just desperate. She originally thought she was really pregnant and had the physiological symptoms. Then with Will's excitement and her fear of being left, she just got caught up in the lies (alot like Quinn to me). But if you can think of something Shue says to Rachel specifically I can try and do a more angsty one for you (his character just wasn't talking for me).


	9. Final Perspective: Looking Forward

Honestly? She never knew the girl. (But that hadn't stopped the slurs.) She never thought she'd be one of those girls. The ones that were purposely malicious to others. If you'd told freshman her that this is who'd she be (cruel, a cheater, a mother) that girl would have cried and ran.

She wonders where that girl went. Yes, she was a Daddy's girl. And yes, she was frightened everyday by the things she felt that she was told were wrong. But there was no guilt. That girl didn't look at the people around and wonder at all the ways she might have injured them or what she could use against them (had she hurt them then to and just didn't know it?).

She called Shelby (because a mother, even one like _her_, would want to know). She washed the bathroom walls clean of all the illicit drawings. She made Jacob take down his blog (and _hugged_ him). It doesn't really seem like it's enough (when life's already been taken is there ever enough?).

She remembers the offer of friendship when she was falling off the social ladder, the one girl who was willing to place herself in the way of her descent even when she had the most to gain from the fall from grace. She never acknowledged the effort to dissuade Jacob from publishing the news. She never told her how much the songs meant. She wants to claim she was busy being pregnant and dealing with Puck (pushing him away, and you stepped in for Mercedes her conscience always corrects).

She thinks perhaps this last thing in her year of tragedy will help the completion to her being a better person. Hopefully, a person that won't write and post a Glist because she's feeling low (or use someone else because she feels fat and then blame them for the consequences). A person that doesn't aspire to be like Sue (categorizing weak spots so she can jump on them and use them to her advantage). Beth has made her different and instead of looking back, she's choosing to look forward to see how she can be better and do better.

She thinks maybe she'll start a Rachel club for all those that feel unheard. She's read that one suicide often heralds another so she's keeping a close eye on the others. She's contemplating being a school counselor (so maybe the next time she'll see it and prevent it). And she's being honest with herself and others (while trying not to hurt them). One of those truths is that she held on to Finn too long after she knew he wasn't what she wanted (she doesn't know what she wants, but she knows now that life is too short to waste on what you don't).

She never knew Rachel and she knows it is too late to know the girl now, so she just promises to do and be better for the girl who so longed for perfection. She thinks(hopes) maybe that's better than deciding who to blame.

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So that's the end. Thank you so much to everyone who read and commented along the way.

Bladed Darkness- I know I wanted Artie to be different from 'them'. It broke my heart a little when he helped the group confront her about Jesse. Then I definately think he should have warned her, or mentioned something to one of the boys (they all blamed her exclusively but had to know that Artie was involved or at least aware). I'm so glad to know someone else thinks he seems to have the least motive behind his dislike (and to me the most potential to be a true friend).

TWSythar -Thank you so much for your kind comment. I'm very flattered.

Perhaps it could be a Rachel/Santana friendship at the behest of Sue when she saw her starting to slip away. So she gets involved to save her without it being able to be directly attributed to her


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